I realized today that I was feeling that sort of anxiety that I often think of (and sometimes call out loud) as itchy. And the weird direction it took me was “hey I should go see what omg.lol is up to,” and that turned into “I think I need to write a blog post.”
This never happens, so here we are.
I’m moving back to Portland in less than a week. The apartment I got is giving me all sorts of worries about money – it’s so beautiful, and so expensive – and I’m also trying (failing) to not lead with that when I want to tell people about its wonderful patio, building amenities, and location.
But more than that, and maybe more importantly, the process of moving this time has been a solo endeavor in a way it hasn’t ever before. I don’t have a partner to help, and most of my friends live in Portland – that’s why I’m heading back there, after a 5-year hiatus in Washington State – and so all the tasks are falling to me, with support from friends, but not help on the ground from them.
It’s mostly been ok! I stressed out one of my close buds, particularly on one of my panicked days – we’re working through that – but I’m feeling stronger, more capable, more prepared that I have maybe ever?
And yet.
The task of moving really taxes me. My ADHD brain loves to throw, “Really? We are working on more of this shit?” at me. The anxious part of me wants to know why I’m not doing even more, and the therapy-having part of me keeps telling me I’m going to fuck it all up.
But again, one thing that’s really hopeful (and helpful!): all of that stuff has usually been at a volume of maybe 2 out of 10 at most (except for the aforementioned day when it hit 11).
I can’t wait to return to Portland, to walking for coffee and taking a quick bus to see music. To being able to see friends all the time, instead of during sporadic visits. To knowing all the bus routes (still!) and the places that I’ve loved, and even the new ones that sound amazing.
But the way my mind works, I won’t truly realize that’s what’s at the end of this journey until maybe the day before the move, or maybe when I drive away from Lakewood, from the shared life I had yet no longer have. I find it incredibly tough to be excited about a trip when I’m packing for a trip…and this is the biggest trip I’ve taken since I left Portland in 2020.
I’m scared, I’m tired, I’m getting there, I’m strong, I’m excited, I’m sad, I’m so much right now.
I’m ready.
If you know how to contact me elsewhere, and you’re the kind of person who sends mail, shoot me a text / email / whatever and I’ll send my address along. I’d love to have sweet messages waiting for me when I arrive.