Silence comes from somewhere

Today has been quiet.

Erin and I stayed up very late after an evening of a lot of drinking and awesome company. We celebrated one coworker's 25th bday and another's 28th; I drank odd themed martinis and Erin searched for suitable beer. When we came home, I (again) got lost in some MoO2 while she cracked up at Trailer Park boys outtakes. For the first time maybe ever, I began feeling like it was okay to lose my mind in a game for a while. I've always had a lot of guilt associated with that sort of thing.

This morning was the second morning in a row when I woke up and my first three tasks were walk Wrigley, meditate, write morning pages. Both times, I could have gotten up simply to walk Wrigs and then go back to bed; both times I consciously went for the meditation/writing route. I'm so glad I did; it felt right.

The last few weeks have been challenging at work, but I met a pretty large personal goal on Friday and I feel like everything felt lighter as a result. It bled into the weekend, and the way that this weekend feels so long, so full of life and love and friends really seems to have happened as a result.

For a long time, I stopped thinking of myself as "stressed." Perhaps overbusy, overworked, juggling, but not stressed. I picture the molting of a shell after Friday, though, and consider how much stress I had been feeling.  As I grow older I realize I have a very weird mix of perfectionism with a belief in wanting to be allowed to change things at a moments notice. I can identify expectations that are too high but somehow try to build a win/lose situation out of most things--and most things are not that black and white.

So today has been quiet.  I learned as a child how to be awake but very, very quiet, and Erin's late sleep today meant that I wasn't about to empty the dishwasher, start some laundry, rush in and out of the house and make Wrigs noisy, or anything else.  I spent a lot of time in worthless internet trolling and finishing up last night's Moo2 game, and I upgraded to the Safari 4 beta while also downloading Chromium (seriously, I have a huge crush on Chrome and can't wait for real the Mac port). I finally realized I was gettign srtuck simply to kep quiet, and that seemed dumb (Erin woke up long enough to say that I could break my silence, but whatever). So I walked to the coffee shop, netbook and library books snug in my messenger bag.

I read some of th Oregonian (especially about a group that works with troubled youth to help them write and produce plays) and checked out a flyer about Performance Works NW and felt myself remembering that I want myu profession to be about helping people, that perhaps the arts need a higher place in my life and actions. I started reading my book about Insight Dialogue, and began to remember when my Zen practice was informing my coaching practice and how good and right and not-stressed that felt.

Today has been filled with the Mirah andThermals albums I grabbed on emusic, and full of thoughts and dreams and writing and websurfing and americano drinking

But most importantly, today has been quiet, and I'm so glad this was so.


Postscript:  I think somehow this project figures in to the above realizations.